


What You Don't See

by RinAsami



Category: Original Work
Genre: Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), Depression, I'm back, Inner Demons, emotional issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-15
Updated: 2017-07-15
Packaged: 2018-12-02 08:14:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11505303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RinAsami/pseuds/RinAsami
Summary: I've been gone a while and I am sorry. I've been dealing with a lot of emotional issues made worse by depression. I wanted to get back to writing again but I didn't know how to start. I couldn't concentrate on continuing chapters and nothing would come to mind to start a new story. So I did what others have suggested when they are stuck in a rut. I wrote what I was feeling and what I was thinking. Below is the sum of the mindless drabble that came about. Feel free to comment if you too are battling your inner demons and wish to share your strength and encouragement with others.





	What You Don't See

**Author's Note:**

> When I feel like quitting I go back and read some of the wonderful comments I've gotten over time. For those and any comments, I cannot fully express how grateful I am that someone would take time out of their day to send me a note.
> 
> Thank you to everyone out there that reads my stories. I feel invigorated by just writing something again. It's good to be back. XOXO

 

 

 

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"Just because I'm not bleeding doesn't mean I'm not wounded. Just because I'm not limping doesn't mean I'm not in pain." - Rin Asami, 7/2017

 

Most days I feel like I'm not so much on a roller coaster ride as I feel like I'm a pinata swinging in the air. If it was a roller coaster I would at least be able to see the upcoming plummets, jerking turns, and soaring inclines. But I don't see any of it coming. It just happens. It happens swiftly as the hits to a pinata--attacks from all directions without warning and without mercy. The blows to my fragile emotional state sting and eventually with enough swings I break and my anger and pain pour out onto an unsuspecting victim, who always seems to be my poor husband.  My moods are either clouded in darkness or when they are occasionally warmed by a few rays of sunlight, a sudden rain shower arrives to wash away any smiles that dared to appear.

My emotions are as choppy as the sea in a swirling storm. One minute I can be happy and thanking the universe for life and the next tearing up because I feel so empty. Anything can set me off to turn my mood 180 degrees. It can be the attitude my boss gave me or the message my husband didn't respond to. Of course, it isn't always a happy mood going into darkness. It can be the opposite as well. A sweet note surprising me on the bottom of a shopping list or an unexpected night in with my husband could turn a shit storm into a day I remember fondly for years.

The swirl of emotions and relentless thoughts in my head are utterly exhausting. I take medicine for my depression but it doesn't stop the stormy emotions or black and white thinking. I am either in awe of my wonderful husband or in thought about how I would survive after the divorce.

I am also a big fake. I've gotten really good at faking it at work that I'm just fine even though I loathe the boring job and all the time I waste there. I put on a mask day after day of smiles for the customers that visit my office but inside I'm miserable and in pain. No one I work with would ever guess that I suffer daily from depression, anxiety, and borderline personality disorder. What goes on my head is draining enough but when put on top of the role I play for nine hours a day five days a week I am utterly sucked dry of any spark that unafflicted people would have at the end of their workday or on the weekends. I don't think I'm necessarily lazy, though I know I can be. I think I just work so hard in my head that I feel like I never get a day off so I appear tired and uninterested in anything at the end of the day.

In trying to get into why I am the way I am I took a personality test from the best place I've seen to date, 16personalities.com. As it turns out, I have one of the rarer personality types, especially for a female. I am an INTJ-T. This means I am introverted, intuitive, thinking, judging, and turbulent. It didn't shock me in the least that I tested 96% introverted. Also not surprising is I am an analyst at heart and am constantly thinking and striving for knowledge. This is me 100%. The constant thinking and analyzing anything and everything is what is getting me into the emotional turmoil I am in today. I cannot "turn it off." At times I wonder if I am ADHD because I cannot stop thinking. Sometimes I wish there was a switch I could just turn my brain off so I can have some reprieve from the barrage of warring emotions and worrying.

I  haven't written anything in a month or so (which is a long time for me) and I also stopped my other hobbies as well. Everything just became too much. My brain felt like it was melting as it dealt with an unsatisfying job, writing fiction that people would actually want to read, learning Japanese, and learning basic figure skating. So, I just stopped. Let me just say, it was the worst mistake ever. Though my brain felt overloaded and burned out, I never took into consideration that the things I did as hobbies were stress inducers as well as stress relievers. After I quit I felt momentarily better with a minute amount of stress reduction. But the other stresses of life were still there and they didn't let me forget that I was now defenseless. By sacrificing my hobbies I also gave up all of my creative and calming outlets. I've learned that if I feel over worked that it is fine to stop a few things for a while to regain the small amount of sanity I had previously, but it's never a good idea to give up everything you found fun.

The darkness will find you much quicker if it realizes you are vulnerable and unable to release the stress and anxiety that you've built up.

If you are still reading this far, thank you. This little piece of my aching heart has no point, but I felt I just had to get it out of me so I can move on and get back to my loves--get back to writing and the other things. I also wrote this to let others know who suffer from similar things that you are not alone and though you may have to fight like hell at times you will make it. Our own emotions and thoughts can be convincing liars and tell us all sorts of awful things about ourselves and the people around us. Just because you think it doesn't mean it is necessarily true.

I've always found it funny of the self-help articles that tell you to 'trust your gut' or 'trust your instincts.' Words of advice like that are not for those of us with BPD and obsessive thoughts. Hell, if I just 'trusted my gut' I would probably be in a mental institution by now with all the crazy shit that goes through my mind. I find it very hard to trust myself as well as others but I am learning.

Anyway, what I am trying to convey from all this drabble is...I'm Back!

It may take a while to get into the swing of things again but I'll try my best. My inner demons are vicious and even after having them for so long it is still and always will be an on going battle. It's time to upgrade the armor and get a few new battle scars.

 

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End file.
